I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
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The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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