U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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