there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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