Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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