take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
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I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
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Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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