When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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