I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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