my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
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I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
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I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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