Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
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It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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