I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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