I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
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we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
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He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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