My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
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we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
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On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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