I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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