i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
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i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
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I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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