Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
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You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
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I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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