Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
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Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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