You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
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We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
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I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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