Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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