Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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