Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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