Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
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he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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