none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
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My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
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When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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