genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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