I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
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Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
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Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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