I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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