He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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