I'm pants shitting drunk right now
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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