mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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