thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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