Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
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woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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