I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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