Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
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Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
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Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You had me at "let me see your balls"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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