My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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