I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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