you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
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i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
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And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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