In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
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The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
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hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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