all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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