i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
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the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
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Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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