After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
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someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
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I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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