is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
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Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
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Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
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