This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
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He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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