Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
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So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
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22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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