Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
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I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
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Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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