I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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