My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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