The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Of course I have a pirate flag
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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