The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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