Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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