I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
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I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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