You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
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Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
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HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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